The Art-form of Finding Quality Friends
As we grow into our years, our time becomes more valuable as it is fleeting. Use it wisely with people.
As I grow older, I realize the importance of having true friendships, not the surface-y ones you bounce around, only reaching out when you need a partner at a beer pong party or going to the clubs with. You need someone you can spill your heart to, to call when your heart is torn into pieces, or the person you want to tell when you get that salary raise.
You are the reflection of the 5 people you spend the most time with.
So choose carefully.
Things you should consider:
How do they make you feel when you succeed or when you fail? Are they your biggest cheerleader? Do they pick you up and dust you off when you fall?
How are your conversations? Is it just one sided? How in depth or how comfortable are you telling them certain things?
After that conversation, how do you feel? Energized or drained?
Do they possess a quality you admire? Do they make you better? How do they make you a better person?
What would your life be without this person? How would you feel if this person suddenly vanished tomorrow?
Friendship is a two way street.
As a community builder, I am frequently known as the reacher. I reach out, constantly. I like lending others my grasp, my warmth, and myself to help others. I love helping others find their best traits and their strengths, but I am also human and I get tired too. I cry and I have emotions, but many times, it’s done in private. At one point, I felt just completely burnt out. I was tired and a friend noticed—he reached out and knew something was wrong. My friend said it was okay for me to not be happy and that I needed to process my real emotion, not bury them; he pointed out that it’s the ones that seem the happiest who have had the worst pasts because they’ve been through some real shit and in their lens, being happy and is a self coping mechanism. I know because I am one—we don’t want to share because we’re not ready and because we don’t trust that you can handle our emotions, but we certainly can handle yours.
I have felt like a dumping ground, where others can dump their issues onto me, I sort it out for them, and they are better, while I tend to my own thoughts. One would come around, only reach out when she needed something or had issues, and it was exhausting maintaining the friendship. I eventually stopped reaching out to her.
Friendship is a two way street—you must be checking up on each other, not one way around. Not that you check on them every day, but making an effort to reach out means you care. Radio silence is the worst. Being present, listening, and reaching out means everything—even if it’s for 10 minutes. I have appreciated the friendship of those who always have made the effort, no matter how small or large to check up on me. Even more so, when they know I need their friendship more than ever at a certain down period of my life.
I look for friends who have similar interests now.
People who have similar interests like you are probably people you’d get along with better, due to having a shared interest. That doesn’t mean you will always share the same opinions and that’s OK. It’s true—I met some great people through the personal finance community on Instagram, one of which I’m building basically a startup with. I have friends who are community builders, and we can talk about our own issues with being too empathetic, spilling our hearts out, and how we can better ourselves. It’s invigorating and I feel incredibly warm inside after I leave a conversation.
How do you find these people?
Communities online—through FB, Instagram, Meetup, etc. It’s strange to think that as a kid, we were taught not to talk to strangers online, but meeting friends online is such a norm now, especially with Covid19. Everyone’s gone digital, and it’s okay to reach out and connect. In fact, it’s more welcomed nowadays. I’ve met people in person and through virtual coffee zoom chats just because I reached out and wanted to “pick someone’s brain” or I found an opportunity collaborate with someone with the opportunity I’m involved in. Here in Singapore, it’s common to use Bumble BFF, an app to help you connect with new friends. Another is Lunchclub.ai, a way to connect with professionals online.
Anyways, I digress. Building strong relationships means you are authentic to yourself and to others, you try your hand at reaching out, and find those who make you better.
Your friends should make you feel like the below.